At only 19, I have been through a lot in my life and have dealt with so many issues. Even though I’m not perfect now, I have found ways to help me deal and have overcome everything that I have been through. When I was younger, I was never really accepted by anyone, school, family, anything. I just have always felt as though I didn’t belong. 

To add to the sense of not belonging, my parents split up.  For about a year after that, my cousin was sexually abusing/raping me. I never felt connected enough to my parents or family to tell anyone, fearing that they wouldn’t believe me. Therefore, I kept all of this pain inside making me feel as though I was messed up, dealing with depression, anger, bitterness and hurt. I was always looking for happiness and a way out of the dark hole I was in. I started hurting myself because I just felt a sadness that would never go away. I was never liked by anyone, so I tried changing my physical appearance, by becoming prettier and “acceptable.” 

from MC

Why is it that we have to grow up, lose our innocence? What happened to the Peter Pan notion…Neverland…Wendy…

Oh well, looking in retrospect I guess that life would HAVE to be a predetermined path that we all take, because there is no way in hell that after the shit I went through in school, that self-harm (SH) was just a coincidence.

Well ok from the start…

What was it that lead you to SH? Was it a build up process? Or did you just one day, snap…and hence were changed forever? I don’t remember what was said,  I don’t know who said it…but I know I lost it. I had heard stuff and read stuff about people having committed suicide (mainly because of the inclusion of Silverchair lyrics at the inquest of the death of a teenage boy) and…I dunno, life just seemed so worthless and…well, not pointless exactly, just I wasn’t getting anything out of my existence as a whole.

What I can tell you is, the voices in my head – the screaming echoes – ‘No one wants you here’.

I found myself self-harming in order to try to purify myself (the same crazy thoughts used by “doctors” during the black plague) of these retched beast children in my head. It was a long tough struggle, and you know…I almost lost it…