At only 19, I have been through a lot in my life and have dealt with so many issues. Even though I’m not perfect now, I have found ways to help me deal and have overcome everything that I have been through. When I was younger, I was never really accepted by anyone, school, family, anything. I just have always felt as though I didn’t belong. 

To add to the sense of not belonging, my parents split up.  For about a year after that, my cousin was sexually abusing/raping me. I never felt connected enough to my parents or family to tell anyone, fearing that they wouldn’t believe me. Therefore, I kept all of this pain inside making me feel as though I was messed up, dealing with depression, anger, bitterness and hurt. I was always looking for happiness and a way out of the dark hole I was in. I started hurting myself because I just felt a sadness that would never go away. I was never liked by anyone, so I tried changing my physical appearance, by becoming prettier and “acceptable.” 

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from MC

Why is it that we have to grow up, lose our innocence? What happened to the Peter Pan notion…Neverland…Wendy…

Oh well, looking in retrospect I guess that life would HAVE to be a predetermined path that we all take, because there is no way in hell that after the shit I went through in school, that self-harm (SH) was just a coincidence.

Well ok from the start…

What was it that lead you to SH? Was it a build up process? Or did you just one day, snap…and hence were changed forever? I don’t remember what was said,  I don’t know who said it…but I know I lost it. I had heard stuff and read stuff about people having committed suicide (mainly because of the inclusion of Silverchair lyrics at the inquest of the death of a teenage boy) and…I dunno, life just seemed so worthless and…well, not pointless exactly, just I wasn’t getting anything out of my existence as a whole.

What I can tell you is, the voices in my head – the screaming echoes – ‘No one wants you here’.

I found myself self-harming in order to try to purify myself (the same crazy thoughts used by “doctors” during the black plague) of these retched beast children in my head. It was a long tough struggle, and you know…I almost lost it…

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