At only 19, I have been through a lot in my life and have dealt with so many issues. Even though I’m not perfect now, I have found ways to help me deal and have overcome everything that I have been through. When I was younger, I was never really accepted by anyone, school, family, anything. I just have always felt as though I didn’t belong.
To add to the sense of not belonging, my parents split up. For about a year after that, my cousin was sexually abusing/raping me. I never felt connected enough to my parents or family to tell anyone, fearing that they wouldn’t believe me. Therefore, I kept all of this pain inside making me feel as though I was messed up, dealing with depression, anger, bitterness and hurt. I was always looking for happiness and a way out of the dark hole I was in. I started hurting myself because I just felt a sadness that would never go away. I was never liked by anyone, so I tried changing my physical appearance, by becoming prettier and “acceptable.”
So, I started to become anorexic and bulimic. When those things didn’t work, even though I was still practicing them, I started getting in with the wrong crowd, abusing drugs and alcohol. I was completely messed up, to the point where all of these things almost took my life. And, even though things have gotten better, I still mess up from time to time.
I finally have control over my life. I have found God, which helps tremendously. But for those of you who aren’t religious, I have found music, and art, and friends who just help me get me through my day. I realized that all of those things that I was looking in for happiness only made things worse. Even though I got a temporary high/happiness from them, they only dug me deeper into my darkness and made my life worse. I don’t need those things. What I need in my life is happiness and peace, and the way to do that is to not let those things control my life and my overall being. There are many ways, such as music, art, and friendship, that have helped me overcome everything I was bound by. There are ways out, and things get better.
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