Why is it that we have to grow up, lose our innocence? What happened to the Peter Pan notion…Neverland…Wendy…
Oh well, looking in retrospect I guess that life would HAVE to be a predetermined path that we all take, because there is no way in hell that after the shit I went through in school, that self-harm (SH) was just a coincidence.
Well ok from the start…
What was it that lead you to SH? Was it a build up process? Or did you just one day, snap…and hence were changed forever? I don’t remember what was said, I don’t know who said it…but I know I lost it. I had heard stuff and read stuff about people having committed suicide (mainly because of the inclusion of Silverchair lyrics at the inquest of the death of a teenage boy) and…I dunno, life just seemed so worthless and…well, not pointless exactly, just I wasn’t getting anything out of my existence as a whole.
What I can tell you is, the voices in my head – the screaming echoes – ‘No one wants you here’.
I found myself self-harming in order to try to purify myself (the same crazy thoughts used by “doctors” during the black plague) of these retched beast children in my head. It was a long tough struggle, and you know…I almost lost it…
A number of times I began writing (apology) letters to people saying goodbye.
Look, the fact of the matter is, I had no one…and even when people came along…I pushed…so hard. I learned to “turtle” from the world and keep the happy mask on…
There were two events that lead to the downfall of my self-harming career..
(i) An incident at school
(ii) A conversation in the math room as to why I had a bandage on my arm
Wow. F***. Anyone who’s had a conversation like that will be able to agree that anyone divulging they know, it’s just….it feels weird. I went home that day and in all seriousness just lost it….I self-harmed really badly, and honestly, that was it. I knew then and there it was finished…
I always remember the Reach Out Fact sheet on Deliberate Self Harm. I sat there one day on my crappy dial up net waiting for it to load DESPERATE for some guidance…anything…I don’t necessarily agree with some of the alternatives provided on the fact sheet – not all worked for me – but the help was there. I found a Confidante in a fact sheet, and really I forced myself to take action to prevent more damage.
Not long after this my girlfriend and I got back together for the 2nd and last time (that was two and a half years ago!!!!)
Really, after what happened I learned to start listening more, and to suppress my rage, venting it in ways that were productive (maybe just turn that music up a little more). Talking to my honey really, truly saved my life. You come to the crossroads in your life where you have to make decisions. Mine was simple: Fly or Die. I grabbed a hold of my chance, and I flew.
Trust me, the physical scars will be a constant reminder of what you’ve done, but as time goes on they fade (and if you’re a guy, you may be lucky enough to have hair grow to the point they are hidden). Take it from me, hiding your feelings (or being a turtle as it is now referred to as) is only going to make it harder, I implore you to talk to someone…
How did I overcome my self harm? Well, for me I was lucky. I went cold turkey, one day I just said…“nup that’s it, finished”. I learned that you need to have a hobby that keeps you busy and your mind off things to be able to fight any reoccurring events, and I assure you, it’s possible!!! My saving grace is my honey and we are going on a break together at the end of the year, by which time we will have marked our 3rd anniversary, and my 4th since I gave up. I have no glorious, wonder tips that will be able to stop your Self Harm or depressive feelings. Just remember, it’s time to take a break and look after yourself. Do something you want to do, be it just lie down for an hour and chill out, or something completely outlandish like bungee jumping (for those older, more extreme members among us).
Self-harm can be an addiction, and like any other addiction can be broken. Talk, seek alternatives, gain a hobby SMILE, and most importantly let yourself live again.
This has been MC, thank you for your time and patience. We now return you to your scheduled programming.
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